A Ride on the Morning Train-Post By Bill

 


 
     The train gives you time to think…when people say “how are you” I usually say “Great! Or Good!” I rarely say what I want to say, that I’m tired, exhausted, because those words are just used too much these days by people.  When I say I’m tired or exhausted its because there is rarely a time in the day in the last 4 years that Sophie isn’t on my mind, that I worry about her, of course I worry about Emily but I know she is “normal” or what we are supposed to say now “Typical”,  she can defend herself, she can make right and wrong decisions, she is an AMAZING young lady and I’m so very proud of her.  For Sophie I worry, will people take advantage of her, will people hurt her, are we doing enough? Is she getting the support she needs? The Doctors? Are the meds she’s on helping her? Hurting her? Maybe if I made more money I could get better Doctors? Better care? Then I start to doubt myself, feel like a bad father, husband, sometimes I feel like I don’t want to go home, it’s too loud, it’s too “crazy”…I think and think and it starts to wear on you, not just emotionally but physically, it gets harder to get up, you get 6, 8, 10 hours sleep and it feels like it’s not enough…worry…worry in your sleep…who will take care of her when I gone? Will she have a “normal” life? Get married? Have kids? Just wondering will she ever really understand or know what “love” is? To love someone else? How will she make it in life? She’s 14 and has no concept of money, of time, what’s real on TV and real in life, will other people make fun of her? Does she feel bad? I don’t know and for all the worrying I do I think of what must be going through her little mind, must be 1000 times more, no wonder she’s out at 8pm.  Man I love that little face, last night as she slept I snuck in and just stared at her, she was so quiet, so peaceful, it made me smile….worry.  You start to shut down, you avoid things, you lose interest in activities you once LOVED…yes hockey.  People think of you of as the “funny guy” …things aren’t so funny to you anymore. “date night” was fun, you’d go out see a movie have some dinner meet with friends…now some take out and quiet time (because quiet time is special, its rare in our house)… and bed by 8:30 is what it turns out to be…Tired, exhausted, those words bring on a new meaning…you avoid social events, friends, public places, “it’s easier if we don’t go, let’s just stay home we don’t want to explain, or get stared at” EVERYTHING is a struggle. You go out with friends and their “typical” kids, you see the difference and it breaks your heart, makes me sad sometimes (bullshit all the time) sometimes the other kids are younger and you see how much more developed they are…..thinking, worrying….. then you think why would God do this? Make your child, make ANY child like this, make it hard on families, make the problems, strain on finances pull a family apart? Then you hear “God picked you guys because he knew you could handle it” bull shit, I can’t…….you start thinking there is no God…you lose faith, ok lost faith…thinking, worrying…man I’m tired, sleep sounds good…I wake up each morning and look in the mirror, more gray, more wrinkles, bags under my eyes…”man do I look even older?” is this aging me faster than normal?  “hey let’s get some beers after work”…you make up excuses not to go…just too tired…exhausted…worry…but hey how are you today? J Have a great day all!!!! And oh yea GO KINGS GO!!!