A hug is defined as a near international form of physical intimacy in which two people put their arms around the neck, back, or waist of one another and hold each other closely.
Let's just take one moment to look at the words physical intimacy... Physical, in this case meaning, body and intimacy meaning belonging together. This is all fine. I am a fan of hugging; I hug my husband, my kids, my family and close friends. What I am not a huge fan of is hugging someone upon the initial meeting. When did this become the norm? I understand handshaking carries a certain amount of germ passing on the other hand it also creates a certain amount of space between to human bodies. Some people, Sophie for one, are not comfortable with physical touch.
When Emily was a little girl she would sit on my lap and we would read books, she loved to lay down next to me on the sofa during quiet time or snuggle between her dad and I. Sophie was a totally different story. Sometimes, with much reluctance, she would sit beside me-never on my lap. She never wanted to lay on the sofa preferring to enjoy quiet time in her own bed and forget about her squeezing in with Bill and I. My first thought was thank goodness, she is not one of those clingy kids! Then I became sad and longed for the days of cuddling with my little girl. I stopped taking it personally when I noticed she didn't want anyone to touch her. She rarely even wanted anyone to hold her hand. In the world of ASD this isn't strange at all and our family adjusted. Her Auntie switched to high fives, I learned to ask before kissing her goodnight or holding her hand and her grandma and her began bumping elbows as a sign of affection. We were good. The family got the message and we saw clear sailing ahead.
As often happens a storm began to brew. Somewhere out in the world the hug became end all be all of greeting anyone and everyone. Soon people we just met were swooping in for the hug instead of saying, nice to meet you. I found a NY Times article dating back to 2009 exploring this same question and another as recently as 2014 explaining why the Asian culture is hesitant to embrace this salutation.
Overall we are a friendly family and know many people from all sorts of areas of life. I am very active in a women's organization and see several of these ladies a few times a week. Some of us are very friendly with each other and grown to be close friends. They are nice women and there are a lot of them I hug. When they meet my family their natural instinct is to feel close to them too and want to hug them. As they approach Sophie with wide open arms I see her face change from indifferent to worry. Most times I can step in between and intercept the hug but once in a while I just cant make it. My very good and very perceptive friend 'MB" sensed Sophie's discomfort really quickly and she began the fist bump with Sophie. Not only did she start fist bumping she asks first every single time. This is huge in Sophie's eyes and she and "MB" have become fast friends.
This morning as we were waiting for the school bus and chatting I asked Sophie how she felt about people who want to hug her. She promptly gave me two thumbs down so I decided to ask her what she could do when a encompassing clasp was heading her way. She immediately held up her hand in a stop sign and said, no thank you! Then I helped her with some other words to use such as, How about a fist bump and I don't like hugs!
I have to say that sometimes I agree with her. There are first encounters where I would like to hold up a hand and say, no, thank you. We just met. How about a fist bump?
I was diagnosed as having asd in my late 30's! Looking back, the hug thing has always been a challenge. The funny thing is though, in an opposite way. I hugged everyone. And WAY too tight. I remember knocking my friends over in the hallway at school. I have no sense of my strength or grip. My four year old daughter says that I am a "squeezey mom" because I hold hands and hugs so tight. This was great to read to remind me of having better hug etiquette.
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