Am I doing the best I can?- Post by Bill

 

I wonder every day if I am doing the best I can. 

 

Today as I was driving off to catch the train I got to the end of our street and my oldest daughter was driving back home from one of her early morning jobs, as we drove by each other we just kind of looked at each other and gave each other a smile and a wave….I got to thinking “am I doing the best I can?”.

 

I’m a husband and a father to two beautiful daughters one who is Autistic, one who is not.  I guess we are kind of lucky in a way because we “decided” to have our girls 9 ½ years apart so really they are like 2 only children.  I remember thinking back when we had Emily at 25 that I’m still going to be young when she is young adult! and we can do cool things together!

 

Emily had a pretty typical childhood (remember I stopped using the word “normal”) she danced, she ice skated, she was in the girl scouts and I coached her soccer team when she played. Aimee was her Brownie leader and did all the mom things with her, I’d like to think she had a great childhood, we were both there just for her for her first 10 years of life.  Even when Sophie was born Emily still had her routines, her friends, her sleep overs, her lessons. As time went on and they both grew older and we started to notice things about Sophie, as you may know or not Sophie was not diagnosed with ASD until she was 10 years old, Emily was 19 at this point, already a young woman, growing every day having graduated high school and making plans for college.  

 

As time went on, Sophie required more and more care, there were appointments to take her to, Doctors, special schools, therapy appointments, special social skill classes.  Aimee takes care of ALL these appointments the running around, making sure she gets what she needs, I still don’t know where she gets the energy sometimes just to deal with Sophie’s needs let alone taking care of our home and us.   I guess it’s fair to say that as this went on and Emily got more and more dependent she really didn’t need mom and dad.  Sure we go out to a movie and sushi once in a while just her and I and I know Aimee takes her to get a manicure or shopping at times but I wonder “am I doing the best I can” as a father to her now?  We don’t see each other as much even though she still lives at home and we don’t hug or kiss as often as we did when she was little, I miss her hugs but maybe that’s a part of growing up? Maybe she knows that we can’t give her our 100% because of Sophie, maybe this is her way of toughing herself up?

 

She’s my daughter and most say she looks just like me (in a good pretty way of course) so it’s only natural that we share the same interest like our love for Hockey, she knows MORE than most hockey fans do and YES that makes this hockey playing dad proud! We love a great craft beer and weird sic-fi-ish shows like Lost, or The Leftovers.  I felt bad the other night because one of the shows I got into caught her interest too (I knew it would) and she started watching it with me, a few days went by and she asked if we could watch the following episode I DVR’d, I was SO happy to say yes.  We started watching after 9pm and since Sophie goes to sleep at 8pm my body had kind of set itself to know that once she is down, Aimee especially and myself can RELAX, she’s asleep…we don’t have to worry, but  then again this is when our brains and body say “ok time to shut down and re-charge” so as I started to watch and I started to doze off….at one point Emily said “C’mon dad stay awake!” not in a mean way but in a way like “I’m trying to be with you but you are too tired for me?” I struggled through the episode and when it ended I told her goodnight and that I love her, I went off to be and fell RIGHT to sleep leaving her alone in the living room watching TV…am I doing the best I can?   She’s always asking me to join the gym with her, I know it’s to get healthy but I know it’s to be together too, but at times I can barely get up to go to work, how will I find the energy to work out? I must find it…

 

It’s hard just being yourself…a bit harder when you get married then a bit more when you have kids.  I LOVE my job and am so grateful for it but it keeps me away from home for 12 hours a day, that’s 12 hours I am not there to help out Aimee, to help Sophie or to just be Dad to Emily.

 

This morning my only thought was am I doing the best I can? Am I being the best husband I can be? the best friend to my wife I can be? the best father to Emily and to Sophie?  In my opinion I say no, I’m not, I can do sooo much more but most of the time I just feel beaten down by day to day life.  I guess I’m writing this to kick myself in the ass, to wake myself up, it’s time to do MORE, I know I can, I know I will.  I just hope my wife and my daughters both know how much I love them and how much I want to do for them, there isn’t anything in the world I wouldn’t do for these 3 women in my life, I hope they do know this,  I just need to show it more, say it more and I need to find the time and energy to do my best, and to give them the best I can.